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This is one of the most common misunderstandings I see in early recovery.
Reassurance sounds supportive, but it often misses the mark.
Reassurance says:
“I’m not doing that anymore.”
“You don’t need to worry.”
“I’ve changed.”
Empathy says something very different.
Empathy says:
“I see how unsafe this still feels.”
“It makes sense that your body doesn’t believe me yet.”
“I can see why this keeps coming back up when you don't feel safe yet.”
Reassurance tries to move pain away.
Empathy stays with it.
In early recovery, reassurance often serves the husband’s anxiety. It’s an attempt to restore calm so he can feel better — not necessarily so his partner can feel safer.
Empathy requires slowing down. It requires listening without interruption. It requires reflecting back what was heard without defending, correcting, or adding context.
Empathy does not promise outcomes.
It does not offer timelines.
It does not insist on progress.
It simply acknowledges reality.
For many betrayed partners, reassurance feels hollow because it asks them to override their own nervous system. Empathy allows them to trust what they’re experiencing without being told they should feel differently.
This is not easy work.
It asks a man to sit with pain he didn’t cause in the moment, but did cause through his actions.
But when empathy is consistent, it becomes regulating.
And regulation — not reassurance — is what begins to rebuild connection.
I can teach betrayers a consistent approach to empathy, to hold space for their betrayed partners and reflect and empathize with what the betrayed is experiencing.
-Coach Steve
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